Email: Mary Hartman

Dear Friends,

As I prepare to say good bye to roommates, a neighborhood, an agency, and I am reflective in good moments and in denial in harder ones, I want to say thank you for your support this year. For helping financially, for your letters and pictures from home, for listening to me, thank you. I have been challenged to grow in many areas over the last 11 months.

I wrestled with the concept of vulnerability. From finding the courage and the words to share my story to allowing myself to be known on an emotional level, I struggled with being vulnerable. Through my housemates and a few special friends I found language to share my stories and experiences. I would like to share the joy of finding my voice and share my year with you.

A common question I’ve been getting is: What will I miss the most? It is a hard question. I love My Friend’s Place, the agency where I have been placed. In light of current economics, it has been challenging as I watched colleagues be asked to step away from the agency. I have been privileged to see my colleagues walk away with grace and poise. I have wrestled with stereotypes of homelessness in both the youth and adult communities. I have heard stories that break my heart and show the depravity of humanity. On the flip side, I am able to see how the clients that frequent My Friend's Place support each other by sharing food, phone chargers, sleeping spaces, and encouraging each other to keep pressing for their dreams. My notion of a homeless community or the lack thereof has been challenged.

I am grateful that even after 11 months I am still challenged regularly by client's stories. A conversation with a client named Matthew still challenges me, even though it occurred over four months ago. The topic of faith had come up naturally in our conversation. He asked about my personal beliefs, and I shared. He shared his experiences of Christianity—experiences of rejection, ridicule, hurt, pain, and judgment. He asked why a majority of Christians judge someone based on his appearance rather than getting to know them. This challenges me daily. It can be easy to become calloused to the needs of others, to see them with only my eyes and not my heart. Yet I hear Matthew’s words and the example I am taught by Jesus. Jesus often stopped what he was doing and was fully present to the person, often someone seen as the least of the society. He knew their story, yet he let them tell their story. He embraced people where they are. He still does the same for you and me. I ask myself, “Am I willing to do the same for others?”

This year I have lived in community with three amazing women. Personality-wise we are very different. We have embraced different passions, yet remain fully supportive of each other. These three women have become family to me. Through these three women, I have learned the power of the collective over the power of the individual. One of my housemates had the vision of transforming our front yard, full of dead grass and a few non-edible desert plants, into a garden teeming with life. During the last couple of weeks we have eaten whole meals simply from our garden. As one person, this would have never been possible. Yet with the four of us, plus help from our greater neighborhood, we have an amazing garden that gives back to us for the labor we invest. We have opportunities to build relationships with our neighbors and share of our abundance. These women have been with me through both the good and bad. From crazy dance parties at random, battling depression, to mourning the loss of a dear friend, I have been reminded of love and grace. Not simple love, but loving me when I feel unlovable.

As I have lived in community, I have been challenged to take down my walls. In my house I found a place where I am accepted for who I am, exactly where I am. On hard days, I could turn to my roommates for support, whether for space to talk or to forget. As a house, we wrestled with the variety of ways Christians choose to practice their faith, particularly when it doesn’t fit our mold. Some of the conversations came from opportunities presented to us in joining a greater church community, others came from or agencies, yet still others came from our own differences. We could disagree on theological issues, or even be unsure where we stand on some issues, and know that we are loved regardless.

For me, this year was one of redemption and healing. In taking the risk of sharing the pain of my past, I was blessed as other people shared their own journeys. Some journeys were similar to my own, others were different, yet hearing how God was faithful and brought redemption encouraged me. One of my personal goals was to be more open, particularly with women who had proven trustworthy. I shared this goal with one person, and she challenged me to pursue this goal and supported me through prayer as well as mutual sharing. I am amazed at how God blessed that desire for me to grow through that specific hurt. Even when I was hurt deeply by someone close to me, I was able to see the others God had placed before me for such a time. As I wrestled with questions of identity, I was given space not only ask these questions, but to truly wrestle and seek out my own answers.

I was recently reading an old journal entry from the summer of 2008, when I was serving in Denver. My agency was in the housing projects and a nearby building was surrounded by a SWAT team with their guns drawn. That experience left me asking huge questions, including: Could I really handle living in a large city? What sacrifices am I willing to make? Etc. After this year, I could only laugh as I read that entry. While I have not had another experience like the SWAT team, I see the urban center of Los Angeles with different eyes.

I realized that I am equipped to serve in an urban center and that as I need more grace and talents, they will be provided. I learned to embrace the idea that God is love. This is something I have always known, but this year it became personal. I learned to go to God when I was hurt, whether emotionally or physically.I embraced Job and Jacob, both of whom questioned God, asking for understanding, unafraid to wrestle with the God who created them. It has been while wrestling that I saw God loves me no matter what. Or as a friend put it when I shared that with him that I had been struggling, “God is the best punching bag there is. Somehow, love still comes back at you when you’re done thrownin’ down.” I learned the truth of this statement in June when I went into a depression. I was physically present and went through the motions, but could really only feel anger. Ultimately, as I wrestled with God and finally shared with a friend who saw me when I broke down, I not only knew the truth of this love, but experienced it as he and I had snapped at each other.

This year has been one of tremendous growth, most of which will only reveal itself in time. Again thank you for your support over this past year.

In Him,

Mary